Dear Sister,
Friendship-breakups are horrible. Right? So why don’t we hear people talking about them more? Maybe because they leave us feeling vulnerable and raw. Even now after about a
In my early twenties, I had friends I thought I was really close to. Then things began to shift. I wasn’t being invited; people forgot to tell me about stuff. Eventually, it culminated in a big dramatic moment with their refusing to let me sit with them after they had me save them seats. (I mentioned this in an earlier poster here)
Afterwards, I tried to reconnect, but things were obviously different. I would ask my friend “Are people getting together?” “No.” “Okay, let me know if people do.” Within the hour, pictures posted on Instagram showing everyone hanging out together. There were no calls, no texts. It was an utterly exhausting and painful time.
When I was writing my novel during my MFA program, I drew on this experience. In fact, you may recognize the seat-saving-refusal-to-let-sit scene whenever it’s published. As I wrote the scene, I cried. It brought back a lot of memories but totally helped me process a lot. So here are five things you can do to move past this:
1. CRY
You will grieve your loss. And guess what. It’s okay. You shouldn’t get angry and hurl obscenities, but crying is allowed. You lost someone. Or if you’re like me, several someones. So don’t lie to yourself and say you’re fine. Cry, read a good book, cry some more, and then wash your face.
2. WATCH YOUR FINGERS
You picture it in your head. The perfect line that will deliver the right amount of sarcasm to bring about justice. Then you tweak it. You craft it and craft it over and over and oops it ended up on social media.
This is not the time to share online. Your goal shouldn’t be to get even. Your goal is to move on and heal. So, if you are dying to write the words to help you process I have an idea. Because writing is therapeutic. I’m a writer and that’s totally what I did, but I don’t have hateful social media post regret. I have a fictionalized scene in my novel with powerful emotions because I drew on my experiences and then inflicted them on my character (sorry Meredith).
So here’s what I would do if I found myself in that situation again. If you want to write, do it on paper. Pull out that journal and write the situation down, what you could do differently next time, and a letter forgiving them. Yes, that last one might sound crazy right now, but think of it as your forgiveness goal. The great thing about paper is you can’t accidentally hit send. Of course if you’ve read To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, by Jenny Han you know Lara Jean learned that letters can be mailed. So maybe don’t address them and then lock them up so your little sis can’t find them.
3. TRUST AGAIN
Sometimes I struggle with trust. Even in the past couple of years I found myself feeling anxious about a new friendship that was developing, and I couldn’t figure out why. It hit me that I was feeling like she didn’t really like me. I remember the moment. I stopped myself and said the following. “Mallary, she is a grown woman. If she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t invite you over to her house.” That snapped me out of it.
I’m not saying this will never happen again. I wish I could promise you that. But you have to trust that there are kind people who will treat you well.
4. FORGIVE
Forgiveness. Sometimes you just don’t feel ready to forgive, but that’s usually because you want to hang onto some hate and anger. You know that perfect combo that leads to bitterness. Yikes! It’ll be tough, but you have to forgive. Remember that you make mistakes just like they did. Sometimes I feel that anger creep back in, and I have to choose to forgive again. It’s an ongoing process. I pray and ask for God’s strength, and he’s always faithful.
5. DIVERSIFY YOUR FRIENDSHIPS
One takeaway from this was that all of my friends were wrapped up together in one group. While this can be fun, it can also be dangerous. Suddenly, I was friendless. It made the problem worse because I had no one outside of family. So, I sat around feeling lonely and isolated.
Try to cultivate friendships in all of your spheres. That doesn’t mean have twenty best-friends. But reach out to people around you at school, church, and work. Look for other lonely ladies. One of my longest lasting friendships is because I saw another young woman who didn’t have a lot of friends. We have very different jobs and interests, and live far away from each other, but I still chat with her and see her when I go back to visit family. There are so many lonely people. Take time to find one or two and connect with them.
Your big sister,
Mallary
xoxo